Confusing Your Loved One and the Addiction | Drug Treatment ...

The term ?codependency? is often used to describe a relationship with an addict. A codependent relationship is one in which one person takes a passive, controlling or caretaking role in relation to the other person. In a healthy relationship there is give and take. When that give and take get out of balance, the relationship takes on codependent elements. Relationships that are complicated by addiction involve and addict who does all of the taking and a loved one who does the giving. This giving can take on many forms, but the result is always the same: It allows an addict to remain comfortable in his or her addiction.

According to PsychCentral codependent behaviors and attitudes related to addiction include the following:

• Making excuses for an addict
• Cleaning up after an addict
• Setting aside personal hobbies and interests when the addict needs something
• Continuing to help the addict even if he or she is abusive
• Denying that the addict has a problem
• Refusing to confront an addict
• Giving an addict money, food or drugs
• Feeling like you can?t survive without the addict
• Constantly adapting to meet the addict?s needs
• Forfeiting your own needs to meet the needs of an addict

What makes codependency so difficult to identify is that these many of these behaviors and attitudes are rooted in concern, compassion and self-sacrifice, which are considered as hallmarks of love. However in codependency these actions stem from somewhere other than healthy love.

Why Do Codependent Behaviors Exist?

Enabling an addict to remain actively in addiction seems counterintuitive to a healthy relationship, so why would any person allow this behavior to continue? Most often such a relationship continues because partners, spouses and loved ones are in denial that their behavior is unhealthy. To admit a problem means upsetting the delicate structure of the relationship. Psychology Today lists the following additional reasons unhealthy relationships continue:

• Perceived compassion. A loved one may simply not want to hurt an addict?s feelings. While this might seem like a noble and ?nice? gesture, it is simply a smokescreen. What is really behind the compassion is fear?fear of upsetting the stasis of the relationship, fear of upsetting the addict and fear of retaliation.
• Fear. Fear is a powerful motivator in unhealthy relationships. A loved one may fear the reaction of an addict, when the balance of power is shifted. An addict may react in anger or may otherwise make a person ?sorry? for their actions. A loved one may be afraid of how the relationship will change and would rather keep things as they are instead of having to face the unknown. Keeping the peace is the ultimate priority above personal safety, stability and preservation.
• Concern about judgment. If a loved one changes the dynamics of a relationship, he or she might be perceived as uncaring, mean or heartless. Why would you let your loved one stay in jail? Why would you kick him out of the house? Because no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, judgment comes easily. Many people are unable to accept being perceived in a negative light.
• Hope. Hope can be a dangerous tool in the hands of an addict. Phrases like, ?I promise I?ll be better? and, ?I promise this was the last time? can lead loved ones to give him or her yet another chance. A loved one genuinely wants an addict to change and will believe almost anything to keep that hope alive.
• Comfort. In a codependent relationship the people involved are comfortable with the roles they play. A partner or loved one can be comfortable being the martyr or being the rescuer.

Because these issues distort relationships, it is important for loved ones to participate in the therapy offered to them while the addict is in treatment. Therapy is essential for both the addict and those who love him or her. In therapy you will examine ways to identify codependent behavior, how codependent behavior has been rewarded and how to develop a more balanced relationship.

Changing Your Relationship with the Addict

According to Psychology Today changing the relationship with an addict often means becoming comfortable with discomfort. This may mean setting new boundaries, enforcing old boundaries, setting up an intervention for an addict or cutting off the relationship if it continues to foster dependency and addiction. Changing the relationship means admitting to yourself and to others that the addict has a problem that you cannot fix. If you have been entrenched in a pattern of unhealthy behavior for a long time, you will need the help of professionals who are skilled in detecting and dealing with unhealthy relationships. They can help you examine why you remain in a toxic relationship and how you can change.

Getting Help for You and Your Loved One

If you are confused about addiction and how you can help yourself and your loved one, we are here for you. You don?t have to go through this alone. Call us any time, 24 hours a day, and talk directly with a recovery counselor. We can help you examine your relationship with an addict and find resources that will help both of you pursue a healthy and drug-free life. Don?t let another person?s actions dictate your health and happiness anymore. Call today.

Source: http://www.drugtreatmentinsurance.com/confusing-your-loved-one-and-the-addiction

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